Falling Upward

Today was overwhelmingly difficult. Just getting up felt exhausting. Last night held some revelations for me that were deeply hurtful. Deeply disconcerting. Late night talks and tears with my middlest had us both laid low in despair. I spent the better part of the morning talking to Farn and she helped me find perspective. Thank God for the voice of reason in a season of too much noise. Add to this emotional burden the fact that an ongoing mysterious ankle injury is keeping me from running. I have rested for weeks, Seen a specialist. Rested some more. Ran 5k last week pain free but since then cannot run even 100m without pain. I am in that funk. Where every little thing is just too big. Draw the curtains. Take a bath. Find something mindless on tv. Tomorrow is another day.

Rach asked to go to church today.  I am not a church-goer. I did it for half my life and it never served me in any way least of all getting closer to God. I don't believe being in a church environment was beneficial for me nor for the people around me. I do, however, believe that it has a place and should my kids wish to go I will be the first to facilitate this. She went to the teen group and I sat in the service quietly. Ready to just relax and go with the flow. Naive I think. I have never felt relaxed in a church environment - no matter how trendy or hip the church. Sadly today was (I felt) a very politically motivated sermon. Something about racial interaction; governance and Jesus thrown in for good measure. I needed to leave the meeting. And I took my (other 2) kids out with me. Church and politics. Really? The upside is Rach really enjoyed the time at her meeting - she would like to go again. I will take her and find a meaningful way to spend the 90 minutes while

It is extremely painful to stumble over photos like these. My man and my Honey-dog in their favourite place. I was right there - just a moment ago. I miss them both terribly.

Plett April 2017 Hallelujah, It is back to school day. I cannot even tell you (do I need to explain?) how good it feels to have a quiet uncluttered house. Living with 8 other people (actually 10 cos my folks currently live in our flat) is not for the faint of heart.  As most of you know - I LIKE quiet. And wide open spaces.  And did I mention QUIET? clearly a moment when i was not quite camera ready :-) These holidays were a great success but by Saturday I had just had  enough  - I unravelled completely and went off like a stark-raving banshee.  It was extremely unpleasant; I tried to reason with myself but alas, I was powerless against the tide. The introvert came out like a demon demanding that everyone sod off and that everything needed to just STOP for a moment.  I have to say that Kev is very good at creating space for me but even he came under wicked fire --- totally blamed him for my insane state. [that is a completely different post....remind me!]

Easter 2017. I was still recovering from my Saturday night meltdown but Kev and his crew were at their family for Easter lunch. We were obviously invited but I just wasnt feeling it. NO MORE SOCIALS please. My tribe and I embraced the time together - chilled on our big grey couch - watching Survivor. It felt so comfortable. So familiar. In that moment of comfort and familiarity a deep, resounding sadness shook my soul. Easter was always in Mcgregor with Russ. Hunts in the big beautiful garden. Now there is no Mcgregor house and no Russ. The loss took my breath away. But I was able to hold it quietly. I was able to get up, walk outside, take a deep breath and set up a silly little hunt for my kids. It wasn't the best day but it wasn't the worst.

Mr Moffat -the Jack Russell - stopped for a chat! Saturday morning found Kev and I roadside supporting some of our favourite people whilst they tackled 56kms of beautiful terrain. It was pretty damn inspirational to see my friends push through and finish despite some real challenges along the way. My brother and SIL ran their first ULTRA together Chris still smiling Wishing I could run alongside! Farn and Shane pulled each other through - epic! While I have  deep appreciation for the discipline and effort required to complete a 56km roadrun I still have no desire to attempt this challenge. I will be entering the Two Oceans Trail in 2018 for sure though!

It's our first blended family holiday. We are driving down  towards a beautiful sheltered part of the coast - a beach I know well. I have been there a few times before. The sun is shining strongly; there is a welcoming blanket of warmth in the air. Out of nowhere a soft rain begins to fall upon the windscreen of the car. My chest tightens. My breathing becomes shallower and I immediately turn my face toward my window. The tears are upon me. This is forever going to be my life. Bright sunshiny days full of hope and happiness and warmth. But  the rain will come.

I just need to write. I cannot think about what I write, who my audience may be or what my title should be. I have been silenced by grief these last months. Silenced by overwhelming change. Silenced by expectation. Silenced by fear. Silenced by my own loud accusations. I wanted to chart my journey.  The journey from utter despair, devastation and trauma back to living, breathing me. I wanted to be able to look back and understand how a normal human being can recover from such horror and learn to live again. I wanted to write it all down but I look back and understand it can not be put into words. Not everything can be broken down to letters in an alphabet and a profound quote. I look in the mirror and see myself again. Not the same self. A different self. I look back and wonder how the fuck I made it this far. I almost congratulate myself but then the guilt will begin its’ pervasive seep through my soul. I look again and see the wretch I am and wonder how I can face myself