Plett April 2017 Hallelujah, It is back to school day. I cannot even tell you (do I need to explain?) how good it feels to have a quiet uncluttered house. Living with 8 other people (actually 10 cos my folks currently live in our flat) is not for the faint of heart. As most of you know - I LIKE quiet. And wide open spaces. And did I mention QUIET? clearly a moment when i was not quite camera ready :-) These holidays were a great success but by Saturday I had just had enough - I unravelled completely and went off like a stark-raving banshee. It was extremely unpleasant; I tried to reason with myself but alas, I was powerless against the tide. The introvert came out like a demon demanding that everyone sod off and that everything needed to just STOP for a moment. I have to say that Kev is very good at creating space for me but even he came under wicked fire --- totally blamed him for my insane state. [that is a completely different post....remind me!]
Rach asked to go to church today. I am not a church-goer. I did it for half my life and it never served me in any way least of all getting closer to God. I don't believe being in a church environment was beneficial for me nor for the people around me. I do, however, believe that it has a place and should my kids wish to go I will be the first to facilitate this. She went to the teen group and I sat in the service quietly. Ready to just relax and go with the flow. Naive I think. I have never felt relaxed in a church environment - no matter how trendy or hip the church. Sadly today was (I felt) a very politically motivated sermon. Something about racial interaction; governance and Jesus thrown in for good measure. I needed to leave the meeting. And I took my (other 2) kids out with me. Church and politics. Really? The upside is Rach really enjoyed the time at her meeting - she would like to go again. I will take her and find a meaningful way to spend the 90 minutes while
I just need to write. I cannot think about what I write, who my audience may be or what my title should be. I have been silenced by grief these last months. Silenced by overwhelming change. Silenced by expectation. Silenced by fear. Silenced by my own loud accusations. I wanted to chart my journey. The journey from utter despair, devastation and trauma back to living, breathing me. I wanted to be able to look back and understand how a normal human being can recover from such horror and learn to live again. I wanted to write it all down but I look back and understand it can not be put into words. Not everything can be broken down to letters in an alphabet and a profound quote. I look in the mirror and see myself again. Not the same self. A different self. I look back and wonder how the fuck I made it this far. I almost congratulate myself but then the guilt will begin its’ pervasive seep through my soul. I look again and see the wretch I am and wonder how I can face myself
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